After a lot of thought, too much thought, and not being able to decide on a specific topic, I’ve decided to make my blog about anything and everything that comes to mind.
You see, I am a dreamer.. I have been daydreaming my way through life. I was never, and still am not, satisfied. I believe there is so much more out there to experience that my boring, day-to-day, just doesn’t cut it. It never has. I’ve always felt I was missing something in life… not a relationship, but a purpose.
Don’t get me wrong, I love life and am so blessed. I always count my blessings. It could always be worse. Right? Things can always be tougher – we could be poorer, homeless, or a more serious incident like, a child being abducted, someone in your life (or yourself) could have a fatal disease. I could go on and on with scenarios as to why we should all be thankful and always count our blessings, but I won’t.. not right now anyway. There is always someone out there who has it worse than you. So, I believe in being optimistic; always looking for the good or something good to come out of the bad. There are people that are in so deep that it’s very difficult to see any positive in their situation; only you can change that.
We are all responsible for our own lives, our own happiness. If you’re not content, you have to do something different to have something different. I’ve been telling myself this a lot these past few years. I have some issues that keep me from following my dreams.. I wish I could change that about myself more than anything.
My biggest problem: Indecisiveness.
If I would have followed through on any of my plans from the get go I could be sitting pretty right now. I would’ve had a great career and money saved. I could own the home I’ve always wanted for my family. I could be financially stable. What held me up? I could never fully decide what I want to do with my life! I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly do I want? I overthink everything! I wanted too many things at once. I could’ve went to college for one thing and went back later! Instead, I just procrastinate and doubt myself, always afraid of making the wrong decision. It’s debilitating.
I would’ve been a successful:
- Nurse (began college education twice)
- Cosmetologist (enrolled for and back out many times)
- Veterinarian (a childhood dream, however, I would like to rescue)
- Business woman (this I did! but, unemployed)
- Flight attendant (another dream – my dad worked at an airport; wanted to follow along in his footsteps. I was very intrigued by airplanes.
That’s just the top 5.
I attempted nursing school twice. The first time I was only 19 years old. However, I was in a relationship where I was more concerned about being with my boyfriend and “making sure he wasn’t doing anything wrong,” than working on myself and my education. I could kick myself a thousand times for that one, and I probably have. How stupid can you be? This was in 1990 and to go to school to be a nurse was half the time it takes now and I’m sure a lot easier.
Although I did take a nursing assistant course, which was only a few weeks long and was a prerequisite for the LPN program. I’ve actually taken this course twice and tested out once again – all because I would change professions and let my registration go, then go back to nursing.
I worked as a nursing assistant for a while. I really enjoyed taking care of the elderly. In the beginning I was absolutely terrified. It started while I was finishing up school and working at the nursing home completing my clinicals. I had never done anything of the sort in my lifetime. I was on the quiet side and I hated any attention on me. However, I really wanted to do something with my life where I could help people. So I did.
There was this old couple, I believe they were in their 80’s. He looked like Santa Claus and I fell in love with him instantaneously. Her, well, she was a different story.
I’ll call them Ellen and George.
George was able to communicate; he had a lot to say for a while. Although he yelled a lot, he was very endearing. He had that fine white hair with his full white beard, just like Santa Claus! Everyone loved George.
Ellen could not communicate; she had had a stroke and lost the ability to speak. She always had an angry, mean scowl on her face. Her eyebrows had a very pointy arch so she looked angry even when she wasn’t. I was deathly afraid to approach her.
One afternoon we were passing out lunch and it was part of our job to assist in feeding the residents that were not able to feed themselves. I was told to pull up a chair next to Ellen and feed her. She wasn’t able to use her arms and couldn’t do anything for herself. It was quite sad.
Ellen was hesitant to let me feed her. I’m sure it was very difficult for her, and any elderly person to have different people coming up to you and trying to shove food in your face. I tried to see it from her point of view. How I would like to be treated if I were in her shoes.
I began by speaking softly to her and explaining what was going on, what I was going to do, and that I was here to help. I smiled at her often to show her I was friendly and she didn’t have to be afraid.
She began accepting spoonfuls and I could feel her relax. This made me relax a little bit as well. Before I knew it, she was smiling back at me. The sweetest smile I’d ever seen! Her eyes lit up and she was enjoying my company; and I hers. Even though she didn’t speak, I felt we communicated. She was also very good about letting you know if she didn’t want or didn’t like something.
When lunch was finished I was able to take her back to her room and assist in getting her ready for her afternoon nap. She kept smiling that sweet smile of hers. I spoke with her softly and never did anything without explaining what I was about to do first. I think she truly appreciated that I showed her respect as a person.
I didn’t want to leave her room. I didn’t want to do anything else.. I just wanted to spend time with her. But I had other residents to care for so I had no choice.
Every day after that I couldn’t wait to get there so I could see Ellen and her beautiful smile! I’d hope she would be assigned to me. Most of the time she was; George as well. They had their own room; separate hospital beds. I enjoyed every minute I had with that couple. I always said that I had adopted them as my own grandparents. Every day that I’d walk in and Ellen would see me, I’d see her beautiful smile and her eyes lit up.
George and I had a wonderful relationship as well. He was a sweet old man. He could speak but it was pretty hard to understand him at times. It didn’t matter though.. I got a kick out of him.
Ellen’s health began to decline. As she was getting worse and worse, George was becoming very agitated. He would try to talk to her but she didn’t respond; she would stare into space. It was extremely hard for me to watch. It was decided that they separate them – Ellen was dying, and George was not able to handle what was happening. So they moved to separate rooms.
I cherished every moment I was able to spend with Ellen. Even though she wasn’t responding or smiling at me, I just enjoyed being there with her. Making her comfortable, spending the last moments of her life with her… I knew it was coming, I was just very unprepared the day it did.
I had a couple days off. I couldn’t wait to see how Ellen was doing… I walked right to her room. There her bed lay empty, perfectly made, closet empty. It hit me like a ton of bricks.. I could barely breathe. She was gone. I didn’t get to say goodbye.
I walked off the floor to gather my thoughts, try to pull it together as I was just starting my shift. I then went to check on George.
It was the saddest scene I had ever viewed. He just laid there in his bed, no movement, no sound. Not until he would break out into uncontrollable tears. I tried to comfort him, it was so hard to see him so full of pain.
George was never the same. He began to decline as well; going down the same path Ellen did just before. It was only a few months and George passed as well. He died of a broken heart.
I am so blessed to have been part of their lives; to be with them in the end as well. What a gift. I hope they know the impact they had on me. Beautiful people, RIP.
They are one of the reasons I wanted to keep going in my nursing career. I was sure this was my calling. I loved helping people; especially making them feel at ease and comforted in the worst of times. The young and the old.
Unfortunately, I never followed through… I attempted returning to nursing school five years ago. I don’t know what it was; I felt I was in over my head and I failed. I didn’t fail courses.. I failed myself, because I gave up.
My point – don’t procrastinate; don’t be indecisive! If you love something GO FOR IT! The only real failure is giving up. Don’t let fear or uncertainty dictate what you do. Life is uncertain! Just go with it. 🙂